If you are following me, youre probably confused. I started out with an eating disorder And Now have a misunderstood, chronic disease. Well, both are still true but I want you to know I am fighting back. I dont wish either one to define me, or to beat me. I am better than this. I make my journey public for me.
Guess what you little bitch? Although you are trying to pull me down And not let me back up, I am going to suck it up And get out of bed. Im going to clean my house because Ive been in bed for Four days, play with my kids And maybe even workout a little later. I still have a little fight left in me. You cant have me yet.
So I read another post that mentioned having multiple wardrobes, small for good days, large for when your swollen ect…
Do a lot of people experience this? Im new to this disease and all that comes along with it. Ive always had horrid cycles, ya know a week before and in bed during. Recently started having mid cycle/ovulation pain which is just as bad as the other. Anyway Ive always had weight fluctuations with my cycle but now mid cylce Ive gained 10 lbs in 5 days. I have an ovarian cyst and Ive eaten a tad more than normal but seriously????!? So does anyone else have these issues? Is it normal? I hate endometriosis.
Finding out more about myself, and connected the dots on something that has confused me for years now. First, let me say I love Tumblr. To have an outlet, support and to just be able to be ME, without anyone knowing ME (if that makes any sense at all.) I am having a profound moment. I thought I was seriously losing my mind, and even pieces of myself.
I have Endometriosis. Many people have no idea what that is which makes it so much harder because no one understands me. I am in constant pain, dibilitating a week every month. I have been trying to avoid surgery because I am young, pre menopose ect.. Not the point. So I have to watch every single thing I eat because certain things cause me more pain. Pretty much anything delicious or normal, is off limits. Bread, dairy, meat, sweets, caffine just to name a few. So I eat salads and fruits and drink water. People make rude comments all the time because I am thin.
So eating good all the time, I want to enjoy myself sometimes. So I eat something restricted. And then I can’t stop. Because I never allow it, when I do I binge. And then feel so guilty and afraid of the consequences, I purge. And so grew my eating disorder. I thought if I didn’t deprive myself I wouldn’t binge but I couldn’t find an off switch. So the cycle continued. Being afraid of gaining weight but being pain I forget everything, and just truly don’t care. I have no control over my disease or my pain and so if eating helps bring me just a little comfort then I do it. The no longer caring helps with the guilt and not having to purge, I know I can’t do this forever. All I want is to be happy and most of all healthy. I don’t know what tomorrow or next week will bring but I am so so tired of obsessing over diet and food. Its bad enough I have no control over how I feel. And i’m tired of this disease making my life hell. I’m on the verge of depression, hell i’m already there.
I don’t know of anyone will read this..its a long ramble, i’m sorry. I don’t know what I want or what is next… Just to get this down…and to maybe fight back. This is not me.
Im happy to find this and some support for us girls with this bitch of a disease. As I am currently(and almost always, and certain you can understand..) Laying in bed for the 3rd day in a row and its just depressing. I feel alone, frustrated, sad and angry. I dont feel like anyone in my life understands me. Im tired of being in pain all the time and not being understood. I dont understand it myself but it just helps to know someone else is going through it too.
I was awesome yesterday. Ran 8 miles, ate super clean… Fruits And veggies, turned down all the crap that was shoved into my face, awesome. Today was a good start, missed going to gym bc things were nuts, had an apple for lunch.. Caved a little And had two bites of a cinn. roll but was proud I didny eat the whole thing. Or the whole package. Did great till about an hour ago.
Went to make myself something to eat bc I was starving And felt bad… I was so hungry I went for chips. And then some leftover brownies, And then 3 sandwhiches And 3000 calories later… Im so mad at myself. And sick. I dont understand myself anymore or why I have no self control. I try not to deprive myself so Im not binging on things, but I cant control myself. I cant stop. And then I feel guilty And ashamed. I really dont know anymore.
I dont know myself And I guess its safe to say I officially have a problem. Im sooo disapointed in myself And dont know what is next…..
Heres the thing… I want to be skinny And thin just like everyone else. But starving myself can not be an option anymore. Its crazy. I have headaches, feel dizzy And I dont think its making me a very nice person. Im a beyotch. I enjoy working out, running ect.. And i cant do that with no energy.
Society makes it very easy to want to starve yourself, workout excessively, And to obsess over ”profection” the skinnier you are, the more beautiful. I will not let anyone or anything tell me what is beautiful. I want to be HEALTHY And most of all HAPPY.
So begins, eating clean, nutritious food, And taking care of myself. For the long run. If you struggle with any eating disorder, please just stop And think. You are harming yourself, your body And those around you. Its not something you can do forever And it isnt healthy. If you committ to eating right And working out, you can have a rockin body. And live to show it off.
And be proud you did it the right way! You can do it. I can do it. I will do it.